I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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