I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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