I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
