my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
