i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
