i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
