im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
