puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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