Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
