yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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