i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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