The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
