there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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