Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
