Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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