I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
