I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
