I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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