You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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