I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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