ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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