If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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