a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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