i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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