"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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