Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
