So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How's work?
Spinning.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Couch. On fire.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
