I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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