My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Randomize
