he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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