At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
