there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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