I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
