i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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