it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
