Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
