I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
