I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
