You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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