dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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