he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
