I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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