He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We have started to decorate penises.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize