He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
