I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
