it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
