I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
