Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
