after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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