he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize