Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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