There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dear god my vagina.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
