Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
