Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize