I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
