good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize