Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
